Stop Worrying, Start Caring

If you are human, then you worry. Perhaps you’re a parent who worries about their child,  or maybe about your friends and their choices?  No matter who you may love, at some point you will end up worrying about them. So, I have a question:

Why do you worry about your child, your friend, or anyone else in your life?  

I’m guessing it’s usually because you care about them and want the best for them. Perhaps the person you care about is in a situation or making choices that you think should be different, or they aren’t acting the way you’d prefer them to. Perhaps you see danger on the horizon for them!  You may have already even experienced the danger or consequence and would like to save this person from the same. No matter which of these is the case, it almost always leaves us with a feeling of helplessness.

It is perfectly reasonable that you would and will be worried about those you love. It’s normal, it’s expected, and it can even seem like you’re helping the person. This is when I ask you to turn inward and answer a second question:

How does it feel to have someone worry about you?

Turn to your memories of parents or friends, spouses or siblings.  How does it feel to have this person worry about you? When they share with you how worried they are?

Whether you notice on a conscious level or only on a subconscious level, when they share their worry with you, the focus of the conversation shifts to the person who is worried.  As a result, conversations about worry become conversations about helping the worrier, not the one they are worried about. This is what differentiates worry from care. While the worrier (whether it be you or someone else) most likely wants to help the person, simply expressing “worry” will never achieve this. To truly elevate someone with care, we need to keep them as the center of the conversation.

“So what do I do?” You ask. 

When you worry, your nervous system is out of your relaxed, secure state and has been thrust into an activated state, also known as a version of fight/flight.

So first, when you feel the worry alarm bells go off, assess what kind of worry you’re dealing with.

1. Is the person (which may be yourself) in immediate physical danger? If so, take action (which may involve 911, police, or other response action).

2. If there is real but not imminent physical danger, you’ll need to create a plan to mitigate or prevent that danger. This is a time for solutions and the reclamation of safety. (I.E., If you can’t pay your rent, find out where that money is coming from or where you’re going next). 

3. If the only danger is coming from your mind about what could/would/will happen, this is when we need to soothe the nervous system.

   
   

This can happen in one or more ways: co-regulation, self-regulation, and distraction.

• Co-regulation: Turn to a trusted person to help calm your fears and mind; this person needs to be outside the target of worry’s circle of influence – so not their other friends, family, co-workers, etc. This is where a therapist may be helpful. 

• Self-regulation: Manage yourself with self-talk, self-care, and other mitigation. Mental and physical soothing work well together, so address both of these branches of panic. Mental regulation can look like journaling, meditation, and more. Physical regulation can be balanced breathing, going for a walk, getting a massage, taking a hot shower, yoga-informed therapy, and more. 

• Distraction: See a movie, engage in a hobby, do something to improve yourself (take a class, volunteer, or other such self-improving activity), etc.

It’s at this point in the conversation you’re usually thinking:

“Are you saying if I’m concerned, I should do nothing?”

No! After soothing and regulating your nervous system and complaining “out,” you can now turn “in” to the person with care and do the following:

Having people to care for and to care for us can be a wonderful thing, but we never want to cause someone more harm than good when we care. 

It is okay to share your worry if you OWN that you seek to be soothed and calmed instead of masking it as care for the person. Once you have soothed and calmed yourself, you can better enter a place of true care and offer your help to your loved ones.

Stop worrying, start caring. <3 

Special thanks to the many writers of Write By Night in Brooklyn, and their wonderful founder, Derek, without whom these blog posts would never have made it out into the world.