Connection before Agreement

Do you and your partner get stuck in arguments? Does it stay stuck no matter how much you try to resolve it? Perhaps you are focused on creating an agreement instead of connection.

You may be asking, “What do you mean by creating connection? The connection will come when we’re back in agreement!” Logically, this sounds like it would work, but alas…

Let’s back up a bit and talk about what actually happens. One of you makes a statement, suggestion, request, or other communication.  Then, if the other partner shares something other than full agreement, perhaps a different view, preference, or rejection of what was said, that is perceived as rejection or disconnection.  This is where it gets interesting because disconnection or rejection from a life partner (our attachment person) gets coded as danger in the brain. It activates our sympathetic nervous system and puts us into the fight/flight/freeze response. When our nervous system is activated in this way, we are no longer able to cooperate. Now, you and your partner are in disagreement, in fight/flight, and disconnected. At this point, you may both try as hard as you can to get past this disagreement, but since it’s coming from a place of danger, both of your nervous systems will fight, flee, or freeze, which rarely leads to genuine connected agreement.  At best, you may reach a “fine!” type of concession. At worst, you’ll both be angry and hurt with no further understanding or agreement.  

So what do we do instead?

Paradoxically, we do not work toward agreement but rather, we prioritize connection.  Connection and returning to a secure, relaxed stance is how we can work together towards agreement or— even better— a co-created superior thought or solution.

“But how do I prioritize connection when my partner is saying something that is really bothering me?”

Step one is to notice: Notice that you, your partner, or likely both of you have an activated sympathetic nervous system.

Step two is to ascertain: Am I actually in imminent danger? 

•  If yes, fight or flight! (that’s what the system was designed for).  If your partner is a true danger to you, please seek help and supportive resources to extricate you from this relationship.

• If not, we need to bring the system out of fight or flight and back into the cooperative state.

We use a combination of self-regulation and co-regulation to bring the system out of fight or flight. Start by reminding yourself that this is your partner and that the two of you want the best for each other (if this is hard to do, please seek help from a professional to help you and your partner remove the barriers in your relationship). Slow your breathing next. This tells your system to calm down. Then, share with your partner that you would like to work together to reconnect before continuing this conversation. Any number of connection strategies can be employed here. There are as many ways as there are relationships. You might hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, or make a statement that you are a team and you trust that you’ll work through this difficulty together, slowly and lovingly. You may have pet names for each other that you invoke. Regardless of the strategy, the goal is to remember that you are working together before entering into the conversation where you differ.

Once you are working together, you can reenter the conversation of difficulty, but slowly. Your nervous system will likely tug you back to fight or flight, so you need to stay connected to your partner. You can then explore and share what feels threatening regarding the conversation and what is making it difficult for you. With empathy and care for each other’s difficulty, you will be much more likely to reach an agreement.

The diagram shows us what happens when we’re in disconnected disagreement. If we strive only to agree, we’ll likely be pulled back into (or stay in) disagreement. However, as we move towards connection, we’re more likely to have a path to agreement AND connection.

What are your thoughts on this idea? Share with us. If you struggle to implement this, please reach out to meet with any of our couples therapists.

Special thanks to the many writers of Write By Night in Brooklyn, and their wonderful founder, Derek, without whom these blog posts would never have made it out into the world.